Dear Singles
I’ve been married for 40 years so what could I possibly know about dating and sex during a pandemic?
Maybe more than you think.
It seems that love in the time of quarantine is giving rise to some very old-school moves on the dating front. At first glance it looks like hooking up is taking a back seat to holding out for a sec. Touch is being traded-in for talk and depending on whom you ask it’s become a very touchy subject.
Things like long video chats, getting to know each other on a deeper level, waiting awhile to meet in person, and first dates in open spaces are shockingly becoming a thing that looks a lot like the way our grandparents did it. Modern dating stressors like fretting over who’s picking up the check and whether or not to sleep together are a moot point when everything’s closed and you need a mask & 6 ft. of clearance for newcomers entering your personal space.
this week's playlist: SINGLES in quarantine
So what are the benefits of these platonic playdates? It looks like there are some big ones. While advice columns and gurus across the globe are revealing “realistic” guidelines for safe dating, for example in a recent NYT article, “In the Netherlands, Dutch officials relaxed the government’s rules on sex during the coronavirus pandemic, advising that locked-down singles find “sex buddies.” And if you want to go further, New York City’s Dept. of Health & Mental Hygiene has a list of very direct & detailed “how to’s” for you.
And an even bigger elephant in the room: that awkward shift from asking a date about their family, parents & siblings… to a covert-covid interrogation of how many roommates do you have, where have you been and who have you been with in the last two weeks? Dr. Julia Marcus says have the safe sex conversation before kissing…”
Wendy Worthington, a 45 year old single from Utah said in a NYT article, “Now we’re not even worried about S.T.D.s so much as, I just hope you weren’t around someone who coughed on you,” she said. But despite it all, some of you are making love work against all odds.
In the same article some relationship experts say that "in addition to the obvious challenges, the pandemic poses a unique opportunity to foster deeper connections with others because we are forced to slow down the dating process." And evidently that’s a good thing for various scientific reasons I never knew. Researchers believe that “talking about deeper things spurs intimacy and one-on-one commitment which are the foundation stones of a sturdy partnership" NYT Who knew? There’s a longterm payoff to this current lockdown: it’s the extended “getting to know you” process. Wow.
And if you want to take it further, Helen Fisher, Chief science advisor for match.com describes the problem of too many things as the “ paradox of choice” that when faced with too many choices we end up choosing none; the human brain isn’t built to handle so many choices. NYT Evidently the frenetic ‘one more, just one more’ sweeping and swiping left and right on digital dating apps breeds a fake belief that there’s always someone better out there. Swimming in an ocean of possibilities can drown you.
The trend for slow love “from the evolutionary perspective, is adaptive because the human brain is soft-wired to attach to a partner slowly." NYT Some dating apps have added video to their platforms; “It takes people out of that swipe circuity, the hookup circuity, and it makes people rethink what they’re looking for,” said Ken Page, a psychotherapist and co-founder of DeeperDating.com. “This is the time to build new muscles and skills of intimacy that so many of us desperately needed but didn’t have time for.” Ironically this germ that’s grounded us is well, grounding us. We’re shifting from quick-fix-follows to deliberate mindful choices.
I’ve been checking in a lot with my single friends since the pandemic began and your stories include many moods from brave to confused, from lonely to grateful, and everything in between. That’s why we’re dedicating this week’s playlist SINGLES to you.
I’ve enlisted my good friend Joy Hart (single in Columbus) to help, as she’s quite literally one of the most fun, creative, intelligent, upbeat & optimistic souls on this earth… I’m not a matchmaker but let me share that Joy is a graphic designer who loves long walks (lol), yoga, big loveable dogs, tequila cocktails, and is the proud mom of a perfect high school senior hockey player. She doesn’t know I’m writing this but she’s an important part of this week’s post because of her ultra positive spin on life and a superpower called resilience. These create a healthy potion that I wish she could bottle and sell because we could all use a big dose. It’s also important to know that Joy is crazy music-obsessed like me. She told me, “I list the bands I love on my dating app profile, it’s one of my criteria for dating… If you don’t like the music I like, it might be a deal-breaker.” #priorities.
My friend Joy @heyjoy and I at LaureLive Music Fest Cleveland 2018
where we met Hozier backstage on my birthday!
This week’s playlist SINGLES (which we hope you’ll share with your single friends) is a mix of Joy’s song picks and mine where we delve deeply into some favorite past/present/future songs that might help you get in the groove.
SINGLES in quarantine (click to listen in spotify)
We wanted to hear your stories so we sent out a survey question last week (below) and heard back from a lot of you! Yours are good stories and not so good.
Q: What's been your biggest surprise (good or bad) of dating or being single during a pandemic?
Craig (USC student, 21)
I guess my biggest surprise is that people are still willing to date...
Jill (Montana horse lover, 50)
uhhhh… That I finally signed up for e-harmony because I realize that having my young adult kids at home isn’t ultimate partnership. And they’re going to leave one of these days and I’m going to be alone again. Time to get pro-active!
Rick (Photographer, 51)
I have been noticing when the eyes are smiling in my grocery store encounters during covid. The eyes are truly the windows to the soul.
Susan (marketer/cannabis, 53)
Big shock: people that don’t care about social distancing and have no interest in talking if I’m not willing ot meet right away. And the contrast - more time to talk to see if there is any real interest in meeting, eliminating the time I wish I could get back from coffee dates that I knew within the first minute I had no interest in seeing the guy again, let alone finishing my coffee with him. Actually I learrn something from every conversation, every date. When I look at it that way the time spent feels worthwhile, like it’s part of my growth.
Mike (dad of 2 young kids, 42)
You asked the right guy. I have lots on this. Haha first, I’ve been surprised by how quickly people are willing to throw caution to the wind and meet up in person without asking any questions about how cautious I’ve been throughout all of this. Like, people wanting to “grab drinks.” I guess that even includes myself. A pleasant surprise is that dates are much more intimate without the distraction of the outside world. I dated a woman for a few weeks who would come over and we would cook dinner together and just hang out at my place. Or go to the plant nursery and buy houseplants, or go grocery shopping, and shit. Like we had been dating for months or something. Usually, I would meet up with someone for drinks / dinner a few times before doing something so “relationshippy.” It made the break up a little trickier though. Haha
Lindsey (graphic designer, 50)
The collective acceptance and understanding of ‘social distancing’ has granted me the pause to be single without judgement. This lack of arm-chair quarterbacking from coupled folks has let me navigate it on my own volition.
Caroline (avid concert goer, 28)
I just wrote mine out and it is very cynical lol Like not rainbows and butterflies. My biggest surprise about dating in a pandemic is that there is no surprise. Dating is still hard. Hinge and Bumble still exist. Men still sometimes suck. We just now do it all in a face mask. 😂
(Caroline wrote back and said, "well, men don't really suck..")
Bethany (huge music lover, 28)
I have found from just talking to guys on apps they are a lot more straight forward to meet up and I’m like do you realize there is a pandemic? And I don’t think they want to meet up to hold hands. 😉Isolation does things to people, that’s why we were born with hands
Kali (Design studio owner, 45)
Not a surprise..but I kinda dig my own space (like a lot), and have been living that “quarantine lifestyle” for awhile. I was fine being alone during pandemic instead of locked in a crappy relationship taking care of someone else’s needs. And I’m happy now sharing my little world with a new guy after messaging with him for those 3 months on IG over a post re: a Bjork song that I thought only I loved . How ‘bout dat?
Also...our messaging started by sharing what songs would be on our pandemic playlist 😎 So, yay for music 🎶
Annie (midwestern mom, 49)
Dating in pandemic times is bittersweet. If a connection is made, “when can we meet?" has an angst and urgency to it. It’s helped folks become creative in making a stronger bonder thru the distance.
NYT article Sam Goldman, 28
Despite the challenges, including uncomfortable conversations and the need to wear a mask, starting a new relationship during a pandemic is possible. Sam Goldman, 28, a finance director for a Boston media company, was resigned to giving up dating for at least the rest of the year. But he happened to connect on the dating app Hinge with a woman who had relocated to the city to live with her parents during the pandemic. The couple texted, spoke on FaceTime and then decided to meet for a picnic. They wore masks walking to the park, stayed on opposite sides of the blanket and talked for five hours, and agreed that a hug goodbye would be safest.
“I don’t think I would have asked to go for a picnic for a first date,” Mr. Goldman said, but it “ended up being such a fun time. She mentioned she loved playing tennis, so I asked her to play tennis for the second date. I definitely would not have done that before.”
Mr. Goldman lives alone, while his date lives with her parents, so he has tried to be more careful, taking precautions like social distancing, staying six feet apart and limiting contacts to protect both the woman and her family. He said he hopes his experience gives other people hope that it’s possible to explore new relationships despite the pandemic.
“I’ve had friends who are struggling with dating during coronavirus time,” he said. “And now I’m in the midst of what seems to be a new relationship that’s blooming and working out.”
PS: So how are you navigating this new dating scene where the bar is closed AND the bar’s been raised? For better or worse?
PSS: Our playlists are made for sharing so please forward this to a friend who might love to know about us. There are 3 easy ways to follow Valslist: follow Valslist on Spotify , subscribe to the Valslist YouTube channel , or sign up for our email list . Stay connected with us!
In music,
Val