Dear Baby Baby
To all the pregnant women who are delivering a baby during this pandemic: YOU are the bravest warriors I know.
this week's playlist: BABY BABY
Yes, our ancestors delivered babies without pain relief, squatting in fields during the harvest, and all on their own if the family doctor didn’t get to the house call on time. Brave women all of them, bringing (and breathing) life into our world, and sometimes sacrificing their own life in the process.
But to head headlong into a hospital during a parlous pandemic with no boundaries or borders is the ultimate display of maternal stoicism that only a mother can deliver. “It’s ok, she has support!” you say… “A partner, a spouse, a midwife in the house… doctor, nurse, parent, friend: labor coaches til’ the end…” Yes but let me be clear - as you missed the point here. Lovers & friends with a hand to lend are mere props at the scene, mothers know what I mean (and mothers to be soon will glean.)
I’ve had four kids, the last set, twins. Regardless of circumstance there’s something that happens when it’s time to go in. There’s no turning back. You can’t say wait or hold on a sec. No snooze button with five more minutes. No rolling over and playing dead. No head in the sand. No giving your seat to another. No geek squad to take care of it for you. No hiring it out or outsourcing. No ordering online. No curbside pickup. No touchless delivery. No easy button. This is the one thing you must show up for. There’s very little training, no owner’s manual, no set schedule, no timeline, no spreadsheet, no nothin’. Just mother nature in all her glory with a clock that’s ticking and it’s bigger than you, no longer just yours, it’s ticking for two. No matter what you show on the outside you’re scared half to death and it’s hard to catch your breath. But as every woman has done before you, you take a baby step forward to plow on through. Father, uncle and brother will never discover what it’s like to be a mother.
It’s hard, laborious work, painstakingly otherworldly especially for a new mother. You don’t know what’s in store and you don’t get to call the shots anymore. There’s a cadence and structure until there’s not. There are guidelines and best practice strategies and you’ll want to shoot those messengers. You head into a zone that is most definitely primal and that’s the point of no return where your body takes over because your brain can’t think this one through. You require simple step by step commands given preferably by doctor or midwife, not husband or partner who got you into this mess. You listen intently for audibles that might be called as this is now your sole purpose in life. For every living thing a mother has stoicly endured. And succeeded.
TOP: my grandkids + fave daughters in law: (L) robin with new baby graham + big sis maggie, (R) hannah with new baby audrey
BOTTOM (L) my friend's daughters: sister moms alex & claire with babes benjamin + caroline born a few weeks apart (and big brother josh) (R) my neice ali with new baby grady 2 days old
So when the ante is upped and the freak-out meter is topped because there’s a world-wide pandemic, when the sickest head to the nearest hospital where you need to go -and your partner hasn’t been able to accompany you to doc appointments and share in the prep for this -and you’re met at the front desk for a deep dive nose swab to see if you have it -and they admit you to your room and you’re not allowed to leave -and you need to wear a mask during your labor and hope you won’t hyperventilate -and the pains are coming closer and now that it’s happening you’re second guessing this whole plan to bring a child into this evil mean virus-ridden world – what were we thinking – and the pains are coming quicker and you’re really not sure you can do this -and your brain is looking for a quick fix escape of which there isn’t one -and you’re now screaming down an unknown highway, pedal to the metal with no brakes -with another in the driver’s seat with your life in her hands -and no definitive deadline when this will be over and an unknown of what happens next … until it stops. And it does. Every time.
That’s what women warriors weather wholly so mother nature can do her work. Whether she’s ready or not - it comes – and goes – and leaves its mark on a stoic selfless superstar who’s part goddess, part saint, part heroine, part supreme human being, who will forget and probably do it again.
This week’s playlist salutes all mothers, new + experienced, young + old, brave + scared, rich + poor, for better for worse… We salute you.
This is personally dedicated to my two daughters in law, Robin and Hannah who delivered babies during the pandemic in April & July, and who have given us the gift of new baby time which has always been my favorite time. We spent five weeks together this summer and it will be my pandemic takeaway story to tell years from now... A heartfelt salute also to my niece Ali who's joined the ranks of motherhood, and to sisters Claire and Alex who not only delivered babies a few weeks apart, they both moved back home to the Chicago burbs, one from NYC and the other from downtown; their kids will grow up togther. And to Katie who's on our festival team, a second time mom with a new baby brother for Caroline.
Life adapts no matter what. And often the outcome is sweeter than before.
This month while our family is all together in Chicago (a silver lining from the pandemic) I’m remembering some wonderful things that I’d almost forgotten…
My biceps. I’d forgotten how toned my arms used to be from carrying babies and toddlers.
How to reason with a 3 year old. Our older granddaughter (who just turned 3) has already mastered the strategic whom to ask for what.. She knows to come to me (vivi) for snacks and to Mark (papa) to find a battery for a toy. She didn’t used to know this, but started to outsmart us as we tried to reason why “now wasn’t a good time…” She quickly learned to try the other grandparent which worked every time. (Moral of the story, we couldn’t reason with a 3 year old.)
Too early wake up calls. Setting alarms are things in an adult world not a toddler world. Inconsolable just-woke-up-from-a-nap woes are simply kids acting out how the out-of-tricks grandparents actually feel when that happens.
PBJ crusts. I’ve long forgotten those on-the-fly lunches between no shower and mounds of dirty laundry. Delectable morsels when you’re starving.
Coloring books. Yeah yeah, I have the beautifully cool newfangled adult zen coloring books that someone came up with a few years ago to slow us all down and bring out our inner child… But a little kid coloring book with big images is a lot less stressful than competing with yourself on how clever your adult design will be. Secret: making plaids and designs in the coloring book characters is even more fun.
Eye level with the grass. I know we’re all being pandemically praised for walking barefoot in our backyards; child’s play is therapeutic they tell us. But when is the last time I laid in my grass on my tummy and looked at the grass? Um. 60 years ago. Try it. A sort of Honey I Shrunk The Kids meets National Geographic vibe. I recommend it if you haven’t been down there in awhile.
Learning a fun fact from a toddler book. I’ve been reading The Magic School Bus to Maggie – the one about volcanoes. I’ve learned more than 16 years of science class ever taught me.
The art of distraction. Them, not you. Remember the powerhouse pushback you get from a 3 year old who wants something badly? It comes in many forms: want it their way, want it now, want this one not that one and will beat down your no not nows and you need to do this first… A simple solution: distract them. They’ll fall for it every time. Even better, fall for one they dish out to you. It’s liberating. There’s nothing that a shiny quarter over there can’t solve.
Getting back up from sitting on the floor. I pride myself that at age 63 I still have all of my own joints and I’m extremely flexible. But after ONE DAY of holding baby Graham and baby Audrey, my arms felt like I’d gone to the gym every day for a month – abundant muscle burn. (The good kind I used to feel from a hard workout in my other life.) But yesterday after playing dolls on the floor with Maggie for an hour I tried to get up. I got up. With aching asleep stiff leg muscles that made me walk with a literal old lady limp for the next 5 minutes. I tried to do mind over matter and fake it so my kids and husband wouldn’t laugh at me (my husband whose ability to touch his toes is fingertips to top of kneecap).
How dirty summertime feet get. Have you been barefoot lately? I mean outdoors all day with no shoes barefoot? It’s the real deal. And it’s not just for kids. It feels great and looks terrible. A shower, foot scrub and clean sheets is a happy ending you should try.
“Baby Baby” takes on many forms over the chapters of a lifetime. Which chapter are you in?
BABY BABY (click to listen on spotify)
PS: Our playlists are created to share with others. If you know a new mom feel free to send these links to her: the blog the playlist xoxo
PSS: You can find all of our playlists on Spotify - it's easy - just search Valslist and click on the little Valslist circle icon (our profile) and follow us! If you want more - subscribe to the Valslist Music YouTube channel, or sign up for our email list. Stay connected with us!
In music,
Val